Life is like an old cassette that you can't rewind

2011-12-07T16:00:00.001+08:00

It's been a while blogger ! The only reason why i'm blogging instead of tumblr-ing is because frigging tumblr is giving me problems right now and i need to find a space to let it all out. Haven't been blogging over here in months and to be back here doing so , remind me of the good old days and the used to be me.Though it's been only a few months but lots of things happened and mould me into a different person . I learn to let go , to trust , to love , to give my all and end up i got my heartbroken again. This made me even more determined and firm to pick myself up from where i fell , not going to let anyone bring me down again.

2011-07-22T00:25:00.002+08:00

Won't be blogging so often over here depends on my mood , but anyway you can find me at

http//firstkissinsummer.tumblr.com !

2011-07-10T16:03:00.000+08:00

Hoping that i could have some more tears to cry , i guess it reached till a point crying doesn't help me anymore.I know clearly how hard i worked to get where i am right now , i need to maintain "myself" and not let me cripple down . Yes don't cripple down.Maybe i'm not ready yet .

Got to see the girls ( beehoon, fang ,helena and cecilia ) yesterday!! Missed them <3

true happiness

2011-07-10T09:50:00.003+08:00

All i ever wanted was for things to be this way , for me to still be in love with you and never move on.

2011-07-07T01:40:00.000+08:00

DIY NAILS

I haven't been blogging for a while. Been meaning to blog. Really i swear, but there's really nothing much to pour. Not that my life has been picture perfect , peace and unhappiness free it's just it gets wearisome at times to my friends , family or even to myself.At times i looked down at myself and even feel ashamed , asking myself " how did i let myself fall into this bottomless hole?"

2years has gone by , but my heart still beat for you at times but not so much as it used to. So i suppose in no time i'll stop seeing you anymore.

Life as we know it

2011-06-27T13:35:00.000+08:00

School in 2weeks after 7months of holiday , i guess that's enough. Just the thought of having to adapt myself into another new environment just scares me , will i be able to fit in? new friends and even more tougher work to do? after all , it's degree that we're talking about.

I miss aussie ):

2011-06-26T19:55:00.001+08:00

Can't control this jealousy . argh. I'm not suppose to feel this way .

wishful thinking

2011-06-25T16:13:00.000+08:00

I should have believed you , least by now i would be so much better off . I underestimated you .

2011-06-23T23:51:00.000+08:00

Hello peeps !

Photo taken just outside the doorsteps of home back in aussie . Well after traveling for a while , i guess it's back to reality for me now ): This trip back to aussie was really good , getting to meet up with family and spending time catching up was great.It was only this trip that i felt was close and related to each and everyone of them , going over to granduncle's jeff house seeing 6 over cars parked outside reminded me how i am always related to here.Miss aussie so much the weather and the house .

While i was helping to pack the stuffs in the house , i found quite a few of my childhood stuffs ( harry potter book , hello kitty toothpaste etc). Gonna miss that place man.

Okay shall blog till another time.

2011-06-14T23:03:00.000+08:00

Flying to BKK in roughly 8hours .

Can't stop thinking about " if only" and " i wished" , wishing for the impossible and hoping for miracles. Why do i have to insist and demand to find only a person of your caliber and appearance.

It's been decades since all these began, on and off non stop . I don't get myself at all.

2011-06-13T16:32:00.000+08:00

Back !

It didn't hurt nor did it meant anything.
All i could think of is that's the kinda guy i want to date too , that's the kinda guy i would be happy with and that's the guy i want to fall for. In every ways you're perfect how you speak so humorously , that i laughed at practically everything you say and how i looked and thought *sighs* if only there was another you who existed too for me.

2011-06-01T22:18:00.000+08:00

I'll be flying tomorrow , man don't really feel anything though.I fell sick on tuesday , high fever and minor sore throat i was dying at that time. Just recovered and not ready to indulge myself with abundance of fried food , throat still swollen ): sad. i pictured this moment much more exciting and happiness , now it's just dreadful.I'm hardly eating now strawberry milk and some old school buns which you see ppl eating in the olden days and were the "better" food .AHHH had to give club a missed too , cause mum put a restraining order on me ): sucks. feels like back in the secondary days parental control?

unexplicable

2011-05-30T02:33:00.001+08:00

The day i'm flying off to aussie is nearing , weirdly i have this inexplicable feeling inside me. A mixture of emotion misses , sad , relief and excited . Missing my grandparents alot , thought of going back to aussie this time but without either of them kinda felt weird. Because it was always them who i go back with , grandma or both of them. That was when it hit me again...she's really gone . Losing grandma wasn't easy for me , neither was losing grandpa it felt like both of my wings broke because they were always there for me by my side guiding me and weathering all storms for me. And when they left this world for good , i felt clueless and helpless. I want them back so much but i know this is part and parcel of life the cycle.

To the upset i don't exactly know how to describe this feeling . It's like i'm fearful and afraid that heart wrenching memories , would haunt me and ruined my vacation. So many memories in that house , memories which started at the age of 5 till 17 . How i sat infront of the window at the last floor and just stare outside the window and cry.That feeling i had in me fear and worry , never want to feel that way again.

Lately , i've been thinking was this a mistake? argh.Can't wait to fly over to aussie now!

2011-05-25T04:29:00.001+08:00

I'm exhausted from being good .

2011-05-23T01:52:00.000+08:00

OMGGGGG! i can't wait seriously for my vacation , just 10days away and FIVE more shifts to go. Clubbing this week AWESOME . Needa meet up with peeps before i go for vacation , totally excited and all ready. Nothing much to talk about though , gonna spam my blog with camwhore peekchas .

2011-05-21T03:51:00.000+08:00

Ya know what we're still young , commitments fuck them all. We only get to live once in a life time , SCREW IT all those rules and stages of life that we must go through. I'll live my life anyway i want to , no rules and stages just how i want it to be.

2011-05-21T03:38:00.000+08:00

My hair is getting really long , bad thing about it is that it's too straight ! I have to like curl it everyday , so that it looks nicer BOOO. What i wore today to meet up helena , black short cropped top, black high waist and BOOTS! hehe can never forget that.Everything's fine counting down though 5 more shifts to break and HOLIDAY. Gonna shop like crazee , stock up more clothes for school in july . So that i won't be caught wearing the same clothes over and over again each week , if only i was slim ): then i wouldn't have any problem buying clothes.

Went tantric today to check out , everyone has to have their first experience right? surprisingly it was normal for me , amusing too ! not bad .

You're never gonna come back.

2011-05-19T03:12:00.000+08:00

Mel's life is overtaking nearly 3/4 of my life , i'm so used to ppl calling me by this name more than wanyi. Loving this. Work's coming to an end (next sat) , till i'm back from aussie and bkk and have rested enough to go back to work.Daddy's like so happy for me , thinking that i should be taking a good rest after working so hard. Unlike him because in the past he always pestered me to start working and stop being a lazy bum. But i guess this time he's really seen me slogged very hard , pushed myself way far from my limits.

ahhh i really deserve and need this break ! need grooming ! singapore i really can't wait to get out of here.

2011-05-18T02:59:00.000+08:00

Stared at this screen for a really really long time , contemplating on what should i blog about today.Filled with so many emotions to blog about , yet i couldn't find much words to describe it. Can't wait to go back to aussie , getaway from singapore for a while. Spend some awesome times with my girls in bkk too.

A little revamp in my room , made by my parents. Really loving it right now , needed this so much adds a little spice in my life. It has been so mundane for the past few months , my life i meant *sighs* can't wait for university to start in july and internship etc.

2011-05-18T02:51:00.000+08:00

It's upsetting to think that someone can, after so long, so many memories and so much love, just turn around and say, “Sorry, I don’t love you anymore.” After everything they have gone through, it hurts to think about how somebody can change their mind on such a thing as their love for another. I can’t even begin to understand the reasons behind this. I know things change and nothing lasts, but I just can’t seem to comprehend how can a feeling change, just like that, in a blink of an eye? And it scares me, so much.

2011-05-17T03:47:00.000+08:00

that very moment when i saw it , a single drop of tears from my eyes.it's just devastating for me , though i had vivid memory if you did actually came or not. but from what i tried recalling you didn't.so upsetting that i actually cared and bothered to turn up , but you just couldn't not even for a few hours.i guess this just give me all the more reasons , not even a chance to have doubts on you. i meant nothing at all , not even a level higher then your other friends . just of equal status quo like them , welcome to his world mel !

i wished my life would be more of mel's , because she's more outgoing/friendly/happy/. wanyi's life just reminds me of many pains and scars right now. many things happened when i was wanyi , unlike mel's there were so many AWESOME stuffs that happen and i became a different person. i love her more then wanyi.

2011-05-17T01:46:00.000+08:00

i look at myself in the mirror and i couldn't recognize myself

skins

2011-05-16T05:32:00.000+08:00

Stuck with it feel emotionally attached . Why did they have to make freddie die , what would happen to effy then? Freddie can't be away from her , she needs him . They are in love , effy finally could commit to a relationship . She loves him . This is definitely not the ending i had picture

A surge of sadness just came to me , i remember feeling this way before . Remember loving and losing that someone , spending my days crying away thinking life could never be the same anymore. Foolish me i only had him for those few months , life was perfectly fine before i knew him why did i think this way? It was more like loving him to much each day , that i grew deeply attached to him and had plan a future for us. So when he left me all my plans were gone , i couldn't accept reality .This was not what i had plan , for him to leave me.

I've had enough . From now onwards i'm just gonna be me , my true self no faking or hiding it from anyone.

2011-05-12T04:48:00.000+08:00

Just two hours of club , my newly bought dress which i wore ONLY three times got ripped off! F.Which ever guy from behind spolit it and now one side is still intact , the other is loose . arrrr. Shipped it all the way from UK and paid like 70+ for it , brillant stuff man DUDE!

Make up not taken off properly , lazy can't re-bothered man. Heart ache at the thought of my destroyed dress , who knows how to fix a loose sleeve? I'm wide awake like super awake , so different from the other hangover moments i had previously. Drank jaggerbomb but no effect at all, not even drunk or dizzy only super AWAKE. Today's club not satisfying at all , hardly dance due to the over capacity crowd. F. Next week st james , please don't be that crowd man i wanna dance , i wanna drink.

i want you to care
i want you to tell me that this isn't how you want me to be
i want you to grab me in your arms and never let go.
f.having stupid thoughts again.

2011-05-11T00:45:00.001+08:00

I keep hesitating , should i or should i not? then after much deliberation , i figured forget it . It's pointless ranting on the same o thing , not like blogging would do any better so here i am making no sense at all. Okay enough of the senseless talking , sooo aussie in 23days WOOOOO. Super excited about it , best part is it's with mummy !! AWESOME. Gonna bring mum around the mall , harbourfront mall and etc...

2011-05-10T23:36:00.002+08:00

At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that  the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk  away. it’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t  try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from  desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is  not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

eletheowl.

2011-05-07T05:30:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since i last cried this terrible , instantly when W told him i refused to speak to him tears began to flow down. It's just sad to see the people i care and love hanging with leaving me , one by one.

2011-05-05T17:15:00.002+08:00

She's banged up, mentally and emotionally. literally and metaphorically, but every day she walks outside with a smile on her face, because that’s who she is.

Eletheowl

2011-05-05T17:10:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was A.W.E.S.O.M.E!

It's been nearly 4months since i last stepped into the club and i'm missing it. The tipsy moments and dancing insanely without giving a care to how others sees you. A little blurry but i remember gulping down vodka and shot , made me increasingly "high" and super active. Bumped into a few familiar faces , but didn't say hi carried on dancing with the others. Ohhh when i woke up this morning , i recalled something really epic *blush* embarrassed to say it here so if you're curious ask me in person!

AHHH miss clubbing with clara soh

2011-05-01T17:22:00.000+08:00

past few days i've been having sleepless nights , lost in thoughts during work and now all i wanna do is to stay at home and never come out. i hate this.

2011-05-01T02:44:00.000+08:00

on my way home in the cab , teared a little friendship, loved ones , life and future........i want them all to succeed.

2011-04-26T21:09:00.000+08:00

I felt something catch in my throat, a sudden surge of sadness. It caught me unaware, almost taking my breath away. That was the thing, you never get used to it, the idea of something being gone. Just when you think it’s reconciled and accepted, someone points it out to you and it just hits you all over again.

2011-04-26T20:53:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired from work , today was just insane with the new frappuccino ,the drink calling and all OMGGG. Despite working opening shift i hardly have any time to chill and relax , because all i wanna do when i get home is SLEEEP! madness.

On the brighter side , i've been thinking about this guy hoping to see him anytime soon at work. He's really cute and hot , the thing is we talked and exchanged names ( he asked for mine *screams*) but i forget his name LOOOL. I know right how can i forget?!?! His was mandarin name , so i had a hard time remembering it and i was shy to ask again so yeah. OHH PLEASE LET ME BUMP INTO HIM AGAIN.

2011-04-24T20:15:00.000+08:00

GOD i only need one thing to work out , my career.

Church today was awesome , after every session of church i always feel so much better whatever shits and worries i have goes away.

Happy Easter day ! or adapted by Pastor prince Resurrection Day!

2011-04-22T03:02:00.001+08:00

I remember falling onto my knees with the basket in my hand , bending down my head and covering myself. Feeling so alone though I had Mel with me ,it all happened in Coles back in Aussie.

2011-04-18T19:05:00.002+08:00

No one to turn to , to share this growing misses and jealousy . Sometimes I don't know if I should be grateful to you or blame you for it. I need a listening ear , I need someone who could commit least 1hour of his/her time to just listen and not listen to me and start changing another topic of their own. I can never seem to find such a person , probably only one but I don't wanna bother them too much. Argh!

2011-04-18T05:01:00.000+08:00

In life we all have an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream,
and an unforgettable love.

I typed a whole lot of shits , but at the end of the day stopped typing and began back spacing it . I need to be strong and i need to move on.

2011-04-12T12:29:00.000+08:00

mummy got jealous she says i love my dad more . haha.
i guess because all these years daddy has been stingy on himself , but generous to us that is why i feel indebted and responsible for him. unlike mummy she knows how to enjoy on luxuries stuffs and food. when i start working i'm gonna ease daddy's burden (:

2011-04-12T03:22:00.002+08:00

I gotta confess , the past few days it did crossed my mind if we had a chance together .

2011-04-11T01:57:00.000+08:00

Safe and sound i know i'll be in the hands of yours.

Is it possible? could it really happen?

nah suck it up and just move on man.

2011-04-11T01:47:00.000+08:00

Mind my arms , i wasn't prepared when it captured.

2011-04-06T21:09:00.000+08:00

Sooooo....the long awaited thick pack of brown envelope filled with information and application has ARRIVED!! I got accepted to the degree i applied , which was my first and one and only option . TEEHEE wanted to be the same as daddy and graduate with a UK degree , even though i'm not a internal student like him but external is fine.

Enough of universities.

Some changes of mine , my temper. Starting to have little patience and get upset easily , could be due to work. Little things gets me all upset and worked out , then i start ranting and complaining . Oh mann nooooo. B went " where is the sweet girl i used to know HA.HA.". Okay feel like stopping over here , tired and lazy to blog.

2011-04-05T08:33:00.000+08:00

Tell me that all this is happening , so that better things could happen tell me so GOD. Weeks ago i had my period of worst like really bad , then it became so much better , now it's a lil bit of bad and good . can't handle this. It's like issue after issues for me to deal with , if only he was mature and sensible enough then i wouldn't need to give a care to this whole thing. I could just live on with my life and need not worry about it. But noooo i can't apparently i'm needed to make things right , i'm needed to be protecting him from all kinds of bad influence.

2011-04-02T03:20:00.000+08:00

"Fuck it "

If you wanna do something , but you're scared it'll ruined your reputation and people will look at you in a different way "fuck it , fuck them man". If you wanna have a little taste of sugar & spice , " fuck it just do it".If you think that guy is kinda cute , " fuck it go talk to him". We only get to live once , so FUCK IT GO AHEAD !

2011-03-31T01:32:00.000+08:00

Throughout the whole shift today , all i had in my mind " i need to blog , i need to blog , i need to blog." Blog seems to be the only place that could make me feel better , saying it out doesn't seems to be a good remedy for me at all because all i get is " you think too much " and some other helpless advice or con solace.

It started out with happiness and ends with the dreadful despair , too great for me to withstand even in my dream.Questions like " why the fuck this have to happen AGAIN? and Are you fucking playing me out AGAIN? ." As usual scenes of me trying so hard to make things right , by hooking on your arms and refusing to let you go again. It was upsetting and hurting , why do this to me again. I know it's just a dream only , it's over and i've moved on . It's just bleakly depressing , really thought the same o bloody thing happened to me again.

It's really not cool to be fearful of ever getting hurt again , especially this way. I don't wanna ever experience this again , don't wanna make any future plans with anyone and just live the moment.I don't love him anymore and don't mind bumping into him on the street one day with another girl , i'm just afraid of falling out of love that's all.

hopefully tonight i'll have a good sleep with no dreams.

2011-03-30T14:58:00.000+08:00

A terrible dream to kick start my day , in a state of mixed emotions mostly traumatized . Replaying and replaying over again in my mind , I hate this . Even in my dreams I gotta get hurt again from you , why? Why am I always the one who have to beg for forgiveness and lower my pride to give in . Why am I the desperate one to want to make things work. Why? I guess the dream got me real bad , can't differentiate the differences between it's just a dream and reality . Because apparently both of them is real in both worlds.

2011-03-29T03:19:00.001+08:00

This pathetic who am i kidding , i'm just not that kinda girl . To have to pretend that i love it and this is how i want my life to be , this is just disastrous this isn't who i am. To be honest i don't even know how this even started , how i implanted that this was me. You could probably say it's the fear that is making me feel this way , maybe it is . Maybe all these are just a contemporary thing or maybe it's the company that i dread.All i need now is a space for me to rant. THANK YOU and goodbye.

2011-03-28T13:46:00.000+08:00

The online dress i got from UK , pretty though transparent but it's so gorgeous this piece. LOVE LOVE. Sadly my boots spoilt , guess i gotta match it with heels.

2011-03-28T11:53:00.000+08:00

What i wore to FLEA last saturday , not forgetting my BOOTS to go along with it. Absolutely LOVE LOVE boots , it can really match well with practically 75% of my clothes. Ordered another pair of boots as my previous one spoilt , sucks.Gotten my pay last friday , have not touched it till yesterday i went online shopping *claps hand* . I keep telling myself to just bear for another 2months , then i can shop like nobody's business in aussie & bangkok but NOOO i can't control myself!!!!! argh. Confession of a shopaholic .

I'm just 62days away from aussie ! This time round gonna snap lots & lots of pictures over there , not forgetting taking photos of outings & gatherings i have with the relatives . It's so awesome because i'll be going with mummy and this time around in my 19years she is actually gonna go visiting with me during my aussie trips. For the past 19years i've been doing visiting alone ( except for the one time when i was 9years old , my lil brother came with me ) , this is soo AWESOME.I sound so retard.

sooooo excited gonna go boots hunting in aussie .

2011-03-28T11:34:00.000+08:00

FUCK YEAH!

2011-03-27T18:35:00.000+08:00

CHEERS TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE EQUALLY WEARING LIKE ME!

OMG i'm soooooo frustrated time of the month peeps , hate it . The past few days have been hectic , back to back on thursday & friday then right after work with insufficient sleep went out till late . Had to wake up early on saturday for my flea and i was bloodyhell late , after the flea met up with the kj, yeehong and anthony AWESOME DINNER & CATCHING UP.

BUT work the next day morning shift , so yeah i was a little impatient and crappy.Happy and thankful for the rest day tomorrow , but that after that i'll be working 5days straight with back to back on thur & friday again. Ohh well that's life can't wait for JUNE !!

2011-03-24T00:48:00.000+08:00

SKINS is AWESOME! even better then gossipgirl season 4 , i mean the story is almost alike just that they don't focus on the upper class kids.

Anywho , it inspires me so much yes in a bad way though HAHA but heck. All things fine life has been revolved around back ( not that i want) , i need to earn money for my holiday so here i am stuck at work .

2011-03-20T03:58:00.000+08:00

OMG this is so depressing , everytime i come to blogger i am so sincere in blogging something interesting or emotional but..........nope i'm not feeling it lately at all. Life has been too perfect except for some people who i meet during work (sucks) , nonetheless beside them everything's fine.

I'm so looking forward to mid of may when i convert to part-time and i'll get my freedom backk yo ! By end may i'll most probably done with saving for my aussie and bangkok trip , so june would be 19 straight days overseas WOOHOOO. AWESOME-NESS!

Still enjoying work at starbucks still , love love the partners in HV truly fun to work with.

2011-03-18T10:28:00.000+08:00

Mummy is always right , this is very true.

I always knew mummy was right , given her experiences dating alot of guys in her youth i should have know better then to trust her. I guess at that time i was just too sensitive and emotional , couldn't bring myself to face the music that in no time this all would be " passing memories " and i would laugh to myself one day for being so silly.HA.HA.So so many stuffs going on in my life for the past 2 years , really hope this would end with a happy ending.

I'm soooo eggcited about my trip back to aussie and holiday with the girls (: Yay-ness.

2011-03-16T13:50:00.000+08:00

things changed.
people changed.
liking changed.
habits changed.

it's for the better , moulding you into a stronger person.

2011-03-14T03:04:00.000+08:00

Hope things would be better , i want all of us to be well.

The past few days has been a nightmare for me , thankful for a great family and andrea who listened to me . GOD especially for making this a better one , now i know, how everything fall into place so perfectly he had all planned it out . In order to achieve this he had to create some obstacle for us , before giving the best to us. Thankful for that. It made me learn how to appreciate my family and friends.

2011-03-12T14:21:00.001+08:00

MY STYLE .

2011-03-12T13:57:00.000+08:00

Something i threw when i was last minutue asked out of the house , at 3.45am . The tie dye shirt i did for myself ,cotton on shorts and not forgetting my fav BAG!

2011-03-12T01:57:00.002+08:00

Wanted to pour out everything over here in this blog , but i can't . This matter is far more worst and serious , then the others i blogged about. GOODBYE WORLD till i get better days .

2011-03-12T01:56:00.001+08:00

pray for a better tomorrow , that's all i ask for.

2011-03-10T02:13:00.000+08:00

i'm not braving infront of anyone , maybe i just don't need anyone at all .

2011-03-08T02:39:00.002+08:00

Everything is so worrying right now , things that were solved became unsolved again. I'm lost for words , still trying to sink in reality.

2011-03-07T17:38:00.000+08:00

I'm so freaking frustrated and upset , candle waxes all over the house and even my room ): Too tired to scrub them off and mop them , can't believe a clean freak like me would just let this slip away.Don't ask why really don't feel like talking about it .

Millions of " why's " going round in my mind , i know things will never change no matter how sincere or hard i pray to GOD. I can only pray that 2 years could pass quickly . We can never live in peace and harmony at all , everytime something good happens and we're all happy for sure something bad would come after it. WTF ! I've no strength to fight , no strength to even do anything. I'm tired , surrendering to my FATE. FML.

2011-03-05T06:25:00.000+08:00

Just watched a thailand movie , i must say *thumbs up* for this movie wayy wayy better then " no strings attached". Went out with girlfriend today after a long long long time , did alot of catching up and talks about our future. I'm grateful for having them in my life , wished in few years time we'll all still keep in contact. Friendship is something that require both parties to put in effort and spare time to meet up , i really can't re- bothered to bother about those who doesn't put in any effort at all.

off to do some stoning.

STARBUCKS

2011-03-02T18:06:00.000+08:00

Power nap just now during my half hour break , AWESOME! Working 7 days straight without an off days , omfg super tiring. I was on the verge of concussion but luckily there was the power nap which saved me. Starbucks has been great in a blink of an eye , i've been here for about two months and still counting on. Now that i'm a part of the starbucks team , can't imagine myself leaving this place. Starbucks is like a drug once you're in , you never wanna get out or rather you can never get out of it. I've met AWESOME friends over here like andrea (: gonna miss her so much once you leave for US . ohh well we'll meet up either i'll go over to visit her or when she comes back we'll meet up , either way works.

2011-02-28T03:44:00.001+08:00

I need to drain away all this Saturn thoughts , need to let it go and to be happy with what I have . Need to stop comparing and admiring others , i got to be happy for them and not jealous of them and wondering if its true .

2011-02-27T14:39:00.001+08:00

There is a mix of emotions from unhappiness to satisfaction that I don’t even know what to feel and where to begin. Every time I think about it, my brain tumbles through a myriad of thoughts and my heart adopts a doof pattern that I can’t shake for a few simple minutes that seem like an eternity. This sucks what is my actual true emotions right now? I shouldn't say much about it , since this is only a temporary mix of emotions .

2011-02-27T05:37:00.001+08:00

Can't sleep ): doing some really random stuffs like looking at old posts of mine and laughing at moments that I almost forgotten heh.

2011-02-27T03:04:00.000+08:00

If you had a time machine , what date would you travel to?

This question was left for me to answer , gave it a very serious thought about it .In conclusion my answer was " the day i came back from aussie." Just this day could help change so many things for me , only if i do it right.I would have pay even more attention on grandma and spend every moment with her EVEN more then i did. I would try to make her life happy and stress-free , then maybe her condition wouldn't worsen and she would probably still be alive .

i miss her and grandpa alot alot alot alot.

2011-02-25T14:57:00.000+08:00

I'm raging with anger right now and a whole lot of mixed emotions which i really can't differentiate them.I feel disappointed and betrayed at the same time . I didn't stereotype nor did i judged , i looked at everyone equally.

2011-02-24T02:02:00.000+08:00

I'm terrified , worried and tired.

Responsibilities and decisions to make .Can i handle them and can i make a proper one? I don't wanna grow up , still want to be sheltered by mummy & daddy even better have my grandparents back in my life. I want to relive those childhood moments when my life revolved around eating/playing/barbie dolls/cousins/shopping , i want to be a little girl again.

I'm so afraid that i'll end up where i am right here , with no changes . I don't want to be here for the rest of my life , i really don't wanna. I can't believe i'm thinking of this but if only i was experiencing a heartbreak instead of this.It's so tough being a young adult , still many more to come bills to pay , transportation to pay , rents to pay , food to pay and etc. FML.

2011-02-24T00:03:00.000+08:00

BOOO my two days of rest day just ended , now comes the next 4days of closing ): Spend my last rest day with W , talked about our lives and all . Headed for sheesha during the evening , i must say sheesha is so not my kind of thing but it's not too bad to go once in a while lepak.*sighs* work tomorrow see ya when my life get back to normal.

2011-02-23T03:44:00.000+08:00

I was born this way not to be tied down and not meant to be in one place for long.I always knew from young that this wasn't gonna be my permanent home in the future , i was gonna create a new life on my own somewhere out in this WORLD as to where i don't know.I may not be able to choose the country i am born in , but i can choose the country i want to start my adult life / set up a family ( if i'm ever gonna).I'm thinking so recklessly right now , to want to just drop everything down and stop whatever i'm suppose to be doing and just fly over to the place i dream of LA . NY would be better but let's not be too ambitious.Will i be as strong as Kelly Cutrone ? Being able to survived from all the temptations of the city. Trying my best to fit in. Bills to pay given the high rents in US/UK either one. Finding a job.Getting to know some actual people in the city. I need time to think carefully ALL these that i want.

2011-02-23T02:42:00.000+08:00

Awesome! booked my tickets and i'm GOING BACK TO AUSSIE THIS JUNE , though it's just 11days ALOT lesser days then the duration i used to stay but better then nothing right? This time i'm gonna go to places i've never been before (: Going back have to leave a few days to do visiting with the relatives , yeah imagine your mum's side of the family are all in aussie so you can imagine. But it's kinda fun going there with mum and visiting them , something new. Unlike the previous 7 times when i went back it was just me visiting them.

what would have happen of us right now? just wondering.

2011-02-22T00:58:00.000+08:00

Wendy said that today i seemed hard to communicate , pretty true because several times ( okay maybe not several but MOST of the time i get lost in thoughts) partly thinking about my FUTURE and PLANS.

It suddenly felt so adult-ish everything that i'm going through right now , this is really no kidding when they said you reached 20 years old " welcome to the adult world" they really meant it. Soo many responsibilities and decision to make on my own. As you get older your interest starts changing , trust me you really will. Because i did had a change of interest , a total drastic change.

I'm attuned to the choices that my friends and family chooses and i've been following it blindly for most of my life, without even stopping to think if this was what i wanted. I had lived for them all these while and blindly followed the crowds and trends that people were following.

I just realized how much of a change my blog posts are getting , a while back i was still trying to get over my ex and now i'm pondering over issues about my future and making plans. Argh! suck to be an adult seriously.

Bought Kelly Cutrone's self help book started the first few pages and it seems to kinda work in guiding me on my path in finding my inner voice. Off to read more !

2011-02-19T02:44:00.001+08:00

Azri's last day is tomorrow ): I hate to admit this but yes i'm gonna miss him and his epic ballet dances , marathon runs , epic faces and etc. He was more then a friend but a mentor to me , it's so sad that when you finally settle down and got used to the environment and people they start leaving you. Why oh why. Well he got no choice either , he needs to serve army .

I miss my girls and THE CLIQUE every single one of them

2011-02-18T14:40:00.000+08:00

Work in an hour and a half , was suppose to start work earlier but izhar couldn't make it so i'm taking over his shift closing. niase.

2011-02-18T02:23:00.001+08:00

*Sighs* if only my parents understood me .

Life has been great even better i must say , family outings and bonding with them are the best.I feel so lucky to have them and satisfied with the progress we're making as a family , but at the same time have been pondering alot about my future. Sucks to be coming 20 with soo many obstacles in life , i know all these are planned out by GOD but i just wished he could have make it slighty less harder for me.

There are days that i feel thankful for my life , yet days when i feel sorry for myself . I secretly wished that they could be as understanding and generous towards it , but i know it's impossible.I've been contemplating alot about my future and what path was i gonna take.I need lots of courage and guts to take this current path i am deciding , accept everyone's dismay towards my decision and accept whatever setbacks i may face.

Argh i don't know what i want really , this is frustrating really.GOD give me some signs please , this is just terrible i wished i had someone close to and is an adult to talk to .

dreams. hope.fears

2011-02-15T00:50:00.003+08:00

As ya'll know currently i've having about 2months of holiday so far , another 5months more to go.Living in this mandane's life of mine got me thinking alot , especially with the many months till school starts gave me even more time to start having doubts in the path i'm about to take.If this was what i really wanted? Will i ever regret doing this? This is just frustrating when you have no one else in this world who you could pour your woes too. Not even your parents & friends.This calls for an adult who is very influential and impartial , sadly to say i've got none.

I feel deprive of choices in life right now , like i'm stuck in this chamber not being set free till they have enough of torturing me.Where's the freedom of speech that he use to speak of ? making choices based on personal interest ?

Work permits me to stoned anytime while at the POS , lost in thoughts about my future and the other alternatives i may have.Where's my real guardians right now? no seriously . I've enjoyed my youth alot with the current ones , now i need the real one.

2011-02-15T00:26:00.000+08:00

A message from GOD " Happiness does not come from seeking new landscapes, but from having new eyes on the same life you've always been living."

sian.

2011-02-13T21:36:00.000+08:00

what a great boyfriend (:

Me: IZHAR! you working closing tomorrow eh
Izhar: ya i know closing.
Me: you don't need to celebrate valentine's day with your gf?
Izhar: when is valentine's day? * smiling at me*
Me: TOMORROW LUH! wahhh seriously you don't know it's tmr
Izhar: *still smiling* don't know *laughs*
Me: so how?
Izhar: nevermind luh. everyday also can meet

WHAT A NICE BOYFRIEND HAHAHA.

2011-02-13T20:44:00.000+08:00

Epic conversation with jason ( my store manager) , so much for being a short form noob.

*checks cellphone* message from a unknown number

unknown: wru?
me:who are you? i didn't even text or call you at all.

*jason walks into the office and came out*

jason: mel what's your number?
me: 9*******
jason: yeah luh correct number i texted you what!
me: OHH the unknown is you?!?! sorry i don't have your no right!
jason: how can you not have my number?!? it's very important you know , you must have it.
me: *laughs* then why you ask me who are you?
jason: i asking you where are you? not who are you.
me: *embrassed* i'm not good at short form can!
jason: go brush up your short form

*jason walks out to the bar*
*receives a message from jason*

jason: german

LOOOL freaking lame okay.

2011-02-12T22:42:00.000+08:00

ya know how it's getting thirsty and thirstier inside you ,
to reached to a point where you get so desperate.
the thirst gets dryer as years past , waiting for some water to ease the thirst.
it didn't take long for me to realized this,
the moment i could make my own decision and plans i knew this was what i wanted.
another 2 to 3years or maybe longer , but sooner or later i'm gonna make it come true.
you could keep me away from it right now , but once i've my own free will i'll be gone to fulfill it and live the life i always knew where i belong.
i don't belong here , i told myself this up times.

"This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home."

2011-02-12T01:01:00.001+08:00

this is just so frustrating , when i had short hair i wanted something new which is to have a really really long hair. So now that i achieved what i wish for , i'm sick of my long straight hair and want to curl it instead. OMG! But i'm afraid that i'll regret ):

what should i do? s:

2011-02-12T00:32:00.000+08:00

Today i was a little insane during work , two epic moments happened.

Scene 1 : There was a massive slam and people were queuing , couldn't do POS because mine broke down so took orders from customers mentally.

Me: HII! ( feeling happy and welcoming)

Customer: Can i have a Grande ice shaken lemon tea

Me: Do you want passion or zen tea?

Customer:Passion tea

Me: OKAY so iced grande shaken lemon passion tea ya ( In a loud tone)

*turns to azri*

Me: Azri!!! I have a iced grande shaken lemon...(forgets drinks)

*turns back to customer*

Me: sorry what tea did you just said you want? ( feeling embrassed)

adeline, azri and jason laughed at me ):

Scene 2:a really cute chinese guy with blonde hair walks in, ordered drink from adeline.Hid at the side of the counter to look at him..

*pats andrea*

Me: OMG! he's so cute

Andrea: where?

*points at him secretly*

Andrea: He is not mel!!!

Adeline: Mel can i call?

*in a daze*

Me: Huh ? ( walk towards adeline)

Adeline: I got a Grande green tea cream frap

(tried to take the change from her hand , which she was suppose to give to the guy)

Adeline: Mel? what you doing ? I got a Grande green tea cream frap!

* awake from my daze*

Me: OHHHH! Grande , no whip , green tea cream frap.

Adeline: you okay or not mel?

Me: Huh yeah . The guy very good looking! (:

Adeline: wahh see handsome until like that

(swear the guy heard)

( turns around to hand over the drink but , bent down my head)

Me: A Grande , no whip , green tea cream frap

Guy: Thanks! Can i have a bag to put my drinks?

( still bending my head and grab the paper bag that was infront of me and hand to him, still bending my head)

Guy: a....the other bag can?

(finally looked up )

Me: HUH? which one?

Me: ohhh i know you wait.

(runs over to get the bag)

Me: HERE! ( reaching out my hand to take his drink and help him put it in)

Guy: Thanks ! it's all right i'll do it myself * laughs*

ARGHHH i swear he knows i think he's hot luh.ZOMG!

2011-02-11T02:10:00.000+08:00

Part 2 : little things about me

Qns: Ever since your previous ex , have you fallen for anyone?

Truth to be told ? Nope. But i got a eye candy guy who i'm currently crushing on , sadly he's not from this country ):

2011-02-10T13:32:00.001+08:00

True Love does exists my girl , i may not believe in it but you need to (:

2011-02-10T02:15:00.000+08:00

Part 1: little things about me

Qns:How do you see yourself in the near future?

-Going on a volunteer trip for at least once , either to cambodia, africa or china.
-Adopting at least one kid from an undeveloped countries, be it single or married.
-Travelling around the world !!! (:
-Career to take off by then
-Hopefully i can slim down HAHA

2011-02-10T02:05:00.000+08:00

Which is better for my lappy ?

zomg both look equally good , should i get both? ;)
i still buying another , then in total i got like 4 long champ already madness.

I saw my dream luggage

AWESOME-NESSS!

2011-02-10T01:32:00.000+08:00

after the movie with mum , in the bus

mum: so.......asking about my work
me: argh! i thought i told you.....
(me feeling kinda irritated , because i was tired)
(started rubbing my eyes)
mum: since young when you are tired you'll start throwing tantrum and rub your eyes , i would tell your dad your daughter tired already.

2011-02-09T01:33:00.000+08:00

How can someone who has been a significant in your life, just leave you suddenly worst is they can never come back anymore. I've been living in denial all these while , not willingly to accept the death of my already departed grandparents.For grandpa it has been 5years and grandma it has been 2years , that's why i hate CNY that's when i can't deny that their really gone. While packing my wardrobe i found a bag containing of a set of grandpa's pj and grandma's pj and 2 tops , i kept them for keepsake.Cried the moment i clutch them to my chest , i miss them ): Nobody can ever replace them and their love, care and concern towards me . It was too early i often said this in my prayer to GOD , i had so many things planned and wished for to happen. I wanted them to see me graduate from university and take a graduattion photo with them and let them display at their home , bring my grandma wherever i go even if she was wheelchair , drive grandma around once i get my license and see me get married those were things i had wanted and wished for . Death is a bytch !

Something which mabel , mel and i made the night before she got admitted into coma and fell into coma , wanted to show her on that night but she was weak and sleepy ): She never got to see this.

2011-02-07T21:39:00.000+08:00

I couldn't help myself , too exicited about my plan to aussie in june. I guess i've made up my mind to go back , plus popo has already told grandaunt about my plan of returning to aussie in june.AWESOME! This time i'm gonna be a typical tourist and go visit all the AWESOME places they have. I've been to perth for so many times , yet each time i go to the same old places( that's because my every visit was mostly visiting purposes).So yeah this time it's gonna be FUN, hopefully i'll be able to convinced my aunt in coming along with my adventures (: i wanna do all these stuffs!

Swimming with the dolphin and many more ,

lazy to post the pictures.

Anywho , i miss fremantle fish & chips !! ): I also miss the Fast Eddy which is just a street away from home , ohh and the japanese food in the food junction at the mall and price line , valleygirl , Donut King , Kmart , Target and many more. Ohh man i'm gonna shop like craze. Hopefully aunt will contact me ASAP and i can start booking the tickets !(:

2011-02-06T21:41:00.000+08:00

Buys of the year....

Their otw now i'm so god damn excited because i've not many bags , like seriously not many! So now i'm so excited to use them and especially my fox tail keychain that i'm gonna hang on my bag.TEEHEE No more shopping already , needa save up $$ for my bangkok and aussie trip in june.

2011-02-05T01:45:00.000+08:00

rant . rant . rant

some people are just so fucked up ! like seriously they need to be begged and pleaded only then will they feel almighty/ important and then would they agree like wtf?! Some are even best they go MIA for a long time and of course common sense , you'll tend to give up asking them anymore because OBVIOUSLY they are not interested to go out with you already. But nooooo when they found out that you went out without them and they start getting mad at you for not asking them , like seriously wtf do you think i'm your walking schedule how do i know when you're free or not.OMG! seriously i'm through man some people are even worst! what i hate most are when you text them and you don't get a REPLY at all , only when you get super pissed with them and get mad will they know the sense of seriousness * point middle fingers*.It's like by not replying you expect me to know that you are not going? come on i'm not your walking schedule , can't you just spare a few mins to type a text back to me. fuck man.

Still other stufffs , but i can't blog it out here fuck luh.

2011-02-03T23:50:00.000+08:00

adapted.

let's make this unforgettable for you & i
you'll do whatever i want , let me have the pleasure of my life
i like it when you come close to me , kiss me here kiss me there
secretly i wished that you'll be the one i spend the night with
you're oh so hot , make all the girls want you so badly
i'm so lucky that i have you all to myself , just for this one night.

2011-02-02T21:46:00.000+08:00

Today was a dread to the temple , not that i am reluctant to visit my grandfather i wasn't, it was the traffic outside the temple and congest in the temple which made me kinda impatient.The worst thing happened was the trip made me incurred two pimples , due to the hot weather/smoke from the joss stick and all omg.I sound so bimbo-tic right now , sorry.

CNY this year and for the upcoming ones , i foresee/predict will be a quiet one for me and my family.The past 4years with my grandparents demised and also grandpa's sister & brother in-law demised too , dad's side of the family have shrunk alot.Needless to say mum's side of the family consisting of grandma & aunt and daryl's family who isn't a family but a close family friend and my relatives are all in aussie so yeah.Visting on mum's side of the family has been like this since forever . Pathetic me.CNY has indeed lost it's meaning and purpose for me , to me it's just a 2days extra public holiday bestowed to me .

HOOO things has changed so much.
Today at the temple , i thought i saw linus because the little kid looked so much liked him with his specs and size . Silly me has forgotten linus has moved to london already , blur me.

2011-02-02T02:30:00.000+08:00

ZOMG yesss finally no more closing shift for this week !!!! (:

3 consecutive days of closing shift with vanessa and zana , fun to work with them but not fun when it comes to closing . Today was one of the bestest shift EVER , we were such a bitches today HAHA acting in our own play . Vanessa's imitation was the funniest of them all , her expression and voice is sooo funny. Closing today was fast , thanks to vanessa's boyfriend who helped us . Seriously , it's so heart warming to see how sweet he was to help vanessa out with closing especially when he cleaned the toilet for us when it was suppose to be my job. OMG! Vanessa is so lucky to have a boyfriend like him , hope they'll last long. (:

OFF for the next two days , then work on the 2nd day of CNY and off again till the end of this week NICEEE. The other time andrea was so thoughtful to leave my favourite croque monseiur for me and today it was my turn , left her fav roasted tomatoes italian bagel for her with words on it too (: Since we don't get to work on the same shift , we can only communicate with each other through texts or food HEHE. Finding her after work tomorrow !!! yes catch up time for us , i miss working with her.

okay nothing much to talk about , toodles guys !

2011-02-01T02:44:00.000+08:00

Today this lady customer walked in with her young daughter around 3 or 4 years old , as i was taking her order i could smell her breath irks of cigarettes.

At that instant moment i thought about my aunt , she was always smoking every minute every hour that explains the cirgarette smell in her everytime i see her. But i still loved her and enjoy hanging with her , sadly because of certain stuffs we drifted apart and she's moved over to london with her family.It pains me alot sometimes , recalling back at the scenario i know i shouldn't have done that but i just couldn't bear to see him being push around.If grandma were still alive all won't happen and i would probably still be able to see her often and hang out with her.

i'm asking too much now.

2011-01-31T01:42:00.000+08:00

ZOMG! today was TIRING!

Love love this week's schedule , working for 3days only mon , tue and friday! yay-ness.Nothing much to rant about though , life has been good for me lately especially with no problems anymore and tangled with past love i'm a happy girl! (:

omg yes something to talk about!!!!! So ya'll know about me going to bangkok in june right? I'm actually thinking of also going back to aussie during that month too , about a week or so? Wanna have a good holiday before school starts for me , excited. Thinking of going there alone this time round , to reminisce memories and back to the house where grandma & i shared memories too.I miss her trillion lots ):

2011-01-30T04:02:00.000+08:00

Goodbye my lover.

Memories don't hurt anymore , passing by places of memories recalling them made me laugh to myself . Every memory we shared was simple and sweet , never an outing was sulky or unhappy always laughter and smiles.That's what i liked about you , always doing something funny or saying something really funny making me bursting out laughing and laughing non-stop.Every little concern , care and things you did meant alot to me because for a guy like you to be able to do all these is just astonishing! I really did loved you , more than the other two guys i dated before. You were the first guy i loved so much and also the first guy that i was heartbroken for. I don't blame you anymore for wanting to put an end to US , because logically it was the best and only solution to our pain and weary. I was too in love with you that all i had in mind was that i needed to keep you by myself , i ignored the problems that existed and refuse to solved them which led to all this.It was my fault.Many "if only" and " i should have" after the breakups , but all is too late for regretting.Well everyone needs a one heartbreak to help them become stronger right? (: These coming 2years have been ups and downs for me , i'm ready to moved on from this feelings for real this time.The new me tells me that it's time to move on and i am right now. GOODBYE BLUR DUDE / HORNY (EX)BOYFRIEND!

This will be my last post EVER for you.